lamsies

really leftover.

2009-06-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

This one is reaaaaaaaaaaaally reaaaaaaaaaaaally longggggg over due

And I'm kinda sleepy.

Aiya.

I declare this blog

somewhat closed.

LOLOLOLOL

unless I go mad again and decide to update.

Life is sombering me

you see.

LYDIA

LOVE,

SIGNINGOUT.

latest stuff.

2009-04-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

Okay this has been long neglected so - all the bite sized stuff at one go. ;)

When at the prata place opposite church.

Me: Boy can you call the guy. (as in so I can pay the bill)
Lewis: *effortlessly deadpan* You call la! I don't know his number.

-------------------

Lewis: Raine, your moustache so black!
Raine: NEXT TIME YOUR MOUSTACHE WILL BE EVEN MORE BLACK OK.
Lewis: Nooo. Cos I will DYE IT BROWN!
Raine: WAHLOU! *turning to me* JIIIEEEE!

-------------------

Emile was over for dinner, after bringing Lew swimming in vain attempt to level his stomach mountain. Okay la. It used to be Mount Everest sideways now it's Bukit Timah Hill sideways.

Dinner began.

Raine: What's this chilli for? (as in, what kind of chilli is it)
Dad: FOR SHOW LA WHAT'S THIS CHILLI FOR.
Lewis: Quite dumb.

Then.

Me: Emile! You so annoying come here then I must sit here cannot reach my mother's soup! You come here and steal my mother's soup and my eldest place!
Emile: ...
Lew: You normally sit there also cannot reach the soup what!
Me: Tsk. Eh eh I tell y'all something funny. Y'know last time we went to the supermarket. Emile, emile LISTEN.
Emile: Yes?
Me: We went to the supermarket, and I wanted to buy a jar of marmite, but my mother yknow she don't care one if you want to buy you must hold it and make sure you put it at the cashier. So I went to take the marmite and held it in my hand. Then, Mommy asked me to go take a trolley from outside NTUC, so I went. When I put the one dollar coin in, and pulled the trolley out, I had to use both hands, and I realized I was holding something in my hand, AND IT WAS THE MARMITE! I BROUGHT THE MARMITE OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET!

All: !!??? HAHAHA
Me: AND THEN I WAS LIKE. OMPOK. WHERE'S THE SECURITY GUARD I THOUGHT THEY GONNA COME CATCH ME.
Daddy: *laughing* Then what happen? Me: Nothing happen leh! He never come catch me!
Daddy: He never come catch you, then you go catch the security guard la! Me: WAHLOU LAME! Then we started talking and I started telling them all the funny things that happened in school. Which. Are MANY.
Me: Yknow I got this friend Lionel. He said -
Raine: HE THREW HIS PHONE OUT OF THE WINDOW.
Me: RAAAAAAAAAINE! LET ME SAY RIGHT!
Raine: Hahahaha
Me: Then, he said he just sent a message, and like turned to put the phone on the table, and it just flew out of the window, AND 25 STOREYS DOWN!
All: HAHAHA
Me: AND! RAINE STILL ASK, THEN WHAT HAPPEN TO THE PHONE?
All: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Of course spoil la.
Daddy: The phone fly out of the window, he should fly out of the window after it also what!!
Me: HAHAHA
Emile: NO NO! The phone fly out of the window, then he jump out of the window, grab the phone, and THROW IT BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO STUPID!!!

Mr. Engineer Emile wanted to save the equipment before the self. ROFL. Then they started talking randomly. I tell you my mother is damn random.

Lewis: I tell you got this dumb idiot!
Me: !!!!! WAH. SINCE WHEN YOU USE SUCH WORD.
Mommy: The beef must be tender then nice..
Me: Hahaha mommy you very random leh!!!
Mommy: *pokes the beef*
Lewis: Jie.
Me: ...
Lewis: JIE.
Me: ....
Lewis: JIEEEEE!
Me: CAN STOP CALLING ME THAT! I CAN'T STAND IT LEH! WHOLE DAY CALLING ME!
Lewis: JIEEEE!
Raine: *from inside the room where she'd gone to get something*: JIEEEE!
Emile: JIEEEE!
All: HAHAHAHA

Lewis: EH JIE. You know you won't get the will!
Me: Huh???
Lewis: The will! Emile will get it! Cos he's eldest now!
Me: WAHLOU.
Emile: I will get the swimming trunks! (he's obsessed with swimming. He watched this guy on TV swimming and he said, whoa that guy so good every day can swim. And my father said, you also every day can swim what! ROFL. What he meant was, he could do Nothing but swim every day.)
All: HAHAHA.
Emile: And then when I go to the swimming pool! They'll say, whoa this guy last time so lousy now very good!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

After dinner, Mommy started to clear the table of dishes. She was trying to ask one of us to take some to the back.

Mom: Girl, boy, Raine -
All: HAHAHA
Raine: MOM YOU GOT THE DADDY DISEASE.

*The daddy disease is aptly named after Daddy cos he can never remember our names. When he tries to call any one of us he has to go through all the others' names many times first. For example when he wants to call me, he goes: LARAINE, LEWIS, LYDIA, LARAINE, LEWIS, LYDIA. Mommy calls me Girl, Laraine Raine and Lewis Boy. And she's never had a problem remembering who we are until this incidence. Lol.*

Later. When the rubbish was ready and I knew they'd be looking for someone to throw rubbish. I'm usually the choice since I'm the eldest.

Me: *hiding in a corner out of sight so they wouldn't call me and laughing quietly*

Daddy: Emile go throw rubbish. You eldest so must throw rubbish.

I couldn't help but burst into laughter.

Me: To complete your initiation to the family you must throw rubbish! Daddy: And if you like the rubbish you can bring home.
Me: HAHAHA WAHLOU!!!

Yup. Daddy was on a roll.

funnysunday :D

2009-03-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

On the way to church, when in the car, pointing at a sprig of allamandas that we glimpsed through the car window.

Me: EH. BOY LOOK that's my favourite flower -Before I could say what it was called Raine cut in.

Raine: That's her favourite the cactus! *pointing to cactus next to allamanda*

Me: WAHLOU!

After a while.

Raine: Jie what's the meaning of massacre?

Me: Like you kill a lot a lot of people in a very cruel way. Y'know? ...yknow I used to think macabre was pronounced meh-ker-ber. Like massacre. But it's mer-kahb.

Raine: Mer-cub? Ma'cup?

Me: *giggling* Yeah yeaaaaa ma'cup. Like it's ma'fork yknow don't take ma'fork.

Raine: Oh yeah! Well it's ma'spooooon!

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Meanwhile Mommy was having her own convo with Daddy about Raine's fungi-ridden bed.

Mom: So you cut up the mattress into pieces?

Dad: Yeah.

Mom: And use the sponge inside to wipe your car?

Dad: Yeah.

Mom: Later the car got fungi how?

All: HAHAHAHA

Mom: You mean you took the scissors and anyhow cut outside? Dan bat lang xiong le tai si lang! (hokkien for: Wait other people think you kill someone.)

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Lewis: *cutting in* I wanna give my friend a birthday present. His name is Joseph. ... *stressing on the following word* Tan.

Me: Uh huh. As if you tell me his surname I know what to give him.

Lewis: I give him ten dollars ah.Me: NO! ONLY OLDER PEOPLE GIVE YOUNGER PEOPLE MONEY. (as in, elders to children was what I meant.)

Lewis: But I'm older than him what.

Me: WAHLOU

Mom: Boy! Don't wear long sleeve! I feel very warm.

Lewis: Is I wear long sleeve not even you wear!!

Mom: *smiles coyly*

Lewis: Mom, you got present can give my friend?

Mom: *starts to open mouth*

Lewis: Don't gimme socks ah! You always gimme socks! Last year you give all the china people (in our church) socks.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

And on the way to church I realized my brother's collar was designed in a way that looked like it was decomposing. HAHAHAHA and there was a speck on the back that looked like bird shit.

Me: LOOK LIKE BIRD SHIT!

Dad: I buy for him one okay!

Mom: Ho ah, buay jiao sai hor yi cheng. (Good ah, buy bird shit for him to wear.)

I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed so hard my knees were weak. The way she said it was so sarcastic HAHAHA

And Daddy was telling this story when he was talking with the guys after church, and the following lines are classic.

Dad: You see every animal goes into the ark. The cheetah go into the ark, and ask, eh! Why so long the ark haven't move? And Noah say, oh, the snail haven't come yet.

HAHAHAHA.

And when he was preaching about how we can't take whatever we have to Heaven just like we can't take the fridge along with us on holiday, I whispered to Raine.

Me: Eh can what. Bring the toilet bowl pack in the suitcase then in the aeroplane when wanna go toilet take the toilet bowl out of the suitcase and sit there in the aisle.

Raine: .....................

That's what she does when she can't stand my nonsense. Ignore me. HAHAHAHA.

daddy win.

2009-03-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

And then, lecture ended, and when I was on the verge of letting my mirth spill over from minute giggles to full-blown HAHAHA,

Daddy smsed me.

Dad: W b passing by ntu.. Wanna grab a bite? (Don't ask me what it stands for. Apparently W = Will, B = be. And he said our sms lingo was hard to decipher! tmr is so obviously tomorrow as opposed to w = will!)

Me: Today?

Dad: No! 25 years later!

I couldn't control myself anymore. I'd tried really hard to hold my laughter back and this was the last straw. I burst into stumbling laughter along the corridor from south spine to north spine.

Me: WAHLOU you make me LAUGH

bill.

2009-03-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

In a restaurant.

Raine: Jie, you wanna pay the ..?

Me: *shaken out of reverie*

Oh yeah. You call the lady for me?

Raine: *slightly shyly* I don't know how to call.

Me: ...

Lewis: Jie how to say bill in Chinese?

Me: Mai dan.

Lewis: *trying to be grown up; waving his hand for the waitress* My tongue!

Me: MY TONGUE??

Raine: Sounds like my turn.

fishy, much?

2009-03-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

See I brought the Lamsypansies (i.e. my siblings) to eat before church as usual. And Lewis loves fish. I looked at mine, and opened my mouth.

Me: Eh. You can have my fish.

Lewis: *looks at it suspiciously*

Raine: *guilelessly; she trusts me completely, see lol I've yet to completely gain the young one's trust he's a clean freak I've no idea why; refuses to eat other people's 'saliva'* Why, you dowan the fish meh, jie?

Me: Nah. ...Actually I don't like fish. Except -

Raine:Actually my favourite fish is sambal

Me: - Salmon. Which is my favourite fish.

Lewis: My favourite fish is jalan leban.

Raine & I: *stare at each other quickly in amused shock*

Raine: WOW. What a fish.

Lewis: I mean - !

Me: Hahaha you mean the fish you buy from jalan leban la!!

'just me'

2009-03-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha. And because Ah Yi had come back early from her China business trip, we had some bottles of perfume from some Paris Hilton line with narcissistic names like 'Heiress' gifted from her. And Raine kept spraying me with her different bottles.

Raine: Jie try this perfume.

Me: NO NO! ENOUGH SO MANY.

Raine: Try! It's 'Just Me', very nice smell one.

Me: Just you then surely very smelly one lor!

Raine: HAHAHAHAHAHA

valkryie & crappery

2009-03-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Me: Daddy! Don't watch Valkryie la! Tom Cruise so ugly! Watch Hugh Jackman or Daniel Craig can! (my favourite men. :P esp. the first one. All-time favourite. If I had to make a choice between saving Emile and Hugh Jackman who are drowning I'd choose Hugh Jackman. And I'm not kidding. And Emile would say he'd know how to swim and he's the best at it. He's obsessed with swimming.)

I read the ridiculous subtitles. Character's voice onscreen: We've all sworn oath to the fuhrer. Subtitles: We've all swum off to the funeral.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WAS ROLLING WITH LAUGHTER BUT DADDY AND EMILE DIDN'T SEE IT. So I had to smother myself with pillows to stop laughing.

Onscreen character: Force him out! (referring to Hitler)

Onscreen character 2: And do what?

Me: And poke his pimple!

Daddy: And shave his moustache!

Emile & Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

V for Vyona!

2009-03-17T10:08:00.001-07:00

After partially coming down from my V-induced high from watching V for Vendetta for the third time (which is not a lot at all cos my cd's with CHRISTINE), I smsed Daddy, who has very specific taste in films. In anything, actually.

Me: DAD. V FOR VENDETTA NICE RIGHT. That time I told you nice you said no.

And this is the nonsense reply I got.

Dad: Got a better one... .... J FOR JASON!

HAHAHAHA. Nonsense father.

:)

Daddy for the win.

2009-03-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Daddy was on a roll yesterday, when we were watching the Matrix Reloaded.

Me: Eh why got water one. (gesturing to some water fixture on the show)
Daddy: So when they urine finish can wash their hand!
Me: WHAT!!!

At the end, when I was absently reading out the credits.

Me: Lawrence Fishburne..
Daddy: He wanna go sunburn then brought a fish along!
Me: WHAAAAAT!!

HAHAHA. Dumbhead.

classic fail.

2009-03-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

And after that at home, had ridiculously funny tuition with Lewis. He wrote "every people", and I was SO incensed.

Me: Every is like each. For singular. YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE SAY, EVERY CATS? EVERY DOGS? EVERY HAMSTERS? *sarcastically* OH, I LOVE EVERY HAMSTERS I HAVE!

Lewis: BUT MAYBE THE HAMSTER NAME IS 'EVERYHAMSTERSIHAVE' LEH! THEN CORRECT WHAT. I LOVE EVERYHAMSTERSIHAVE. Me: NONSENSE! DON'T FOOL AROUND!

And today Daddy told us this story in church that I found just So hilarious. It's a true story. This man was trying to earn money from an old woman who was 90 years old. He told her he'd give her money every month, but she had to give him her really expensive house when she died. He figured he'd earn, since he was 43, and she was 90, and didn't have much more to go. So she said okay.

She lived till 122 and broke the Guiness' world record, and he died at the age of 77, earlier than her.

HAHAHA TALK ABOUT BEING KIAMPA! HAHAHAHA

And in the car we started bringing up old funnies that I don't remember if I've blogged about; the first one is about Lurvin, who once came home to her mother and had the following conversation.

*in Chinese*

Mother: Eh, your that new facial foam very nice.

Lurvin: Huh? Where got new facial foam?

Mother: *shows Lurvin the foam* There.

Lurvin: MA! THAT'S ARMPIT HAIR REMOVER! HAHAHAHA AND NO, HER EYEBROWS DID NOT FALL OFF. HAHAHA.

And, Uncle Ah Guang, who used to get drunk in his bad boy days. His wife's name is Xiang Hua, literally Fragrant Flower.

*in Chinese*

Uncle Ah Guang: Eh!! Why you keep bringing all those flower pots and put outside the house!

Auntie Xiang Hua: IS NOT ME HOR. IS YOU ALWAYS BRING HOME HOW I KNOW.

HAHA UNCLE AH GUANG. HAD BEEN LUGGING THE NEIGHBOURS' FLOWER POTS HOME AND LINING THEM OUTSIDE WHEN HE WAS DRUNK.

HAHAHAHA.

randomosity.

2009-03-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Here's a couple of new convos that're making it into the classic-LOL book.

1.

Lewis: Dad I going for my friend party at Rosyth there (Serangoon) can come fetch me home?
Dad: Why cannot go back yourself!
Lewis: Cos no more bus!
Me: Wahlou! How late you going! How come he p6 can come back late already!
Dad: What time you coming back.
Lewis: 9.
Dad: WAHLOU. STILL GOT BUS WHAT. NO BUS YOU RIDE BICYCLE LA.

ROFL

2.

Danial: Y'know my recruits give me so much shit. So tiring.
Me: What happened?
Danial: Y'know I asked them to declare items that aren't allowed, like cigarettes or handphone with camera, and this guy declared a sandwich.
Me: !!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Danial: And when the officer asked him, are you stupid or what?? Why you declare a sandwich, what's inside?? He said, Jam, sir.
Me: ROFLROFLROFLROFL *literally*

chicken rice.

2009-03-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

When looking at signs at Boon Tong Kee.

Boy: Jie, when is peak hour?
Dad: Peak hour is whenever there's a lot of people!
Me: Peak hour is at lunch time and dinner time.
Mom: Is wrong is not peak (pig) hour! Is CHICKEN HOUR.
Me: ...............................................Mom. That's lame.

dinner with mom.

2009-03-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

At dinner.

Mommy: We should've sit at the other table over there.
Me: Why? Here okay what.
Mommy: If we sit there we can pluck the lime from the lime bush there and squeeze on our rice.
Dad: Now also can what go there pluck come here.
Me: ...

day out with the lams.

2009-03-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

When discussing the eccentricity (i.e. craziness) of artistic people.

Dad: Artists all a bit siao one what.
Me: But I'm an artist! In some ways!
Dad: That's why your dumb hair lidat.
Me: I RESENT THAT.

shock schmock

2009-03-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

On Emile's atrocious driving.

Me: Dee can you drive slower! Yknow ah, every time I board Emile's car I'll pray first. So if I die I'll be sinless.
Dad: Yknow every time GOD boards Emile's car He also pray first!
Me: HAHAHAHA

'the weather is going to rain'

2009-02-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

When eating pizza and talking.

Classic example of bimbotic sister's misuse of words.

Raine: Wahlou Jie! Daddy take the spicy drumlet and dip in chilli! Spoil the taste! Might as well dip with simple chicken!
Daddy: It's not simple chicken! It's very complicated!
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Lew: *quietly eats*

well whaddya know?

2009-02-28T00:04:00.001-08:00

When about to eat pizza.

Daddy: Okay okay stop talking come pray.
Lewis: AMEN!
All: ....

tuts my burreh

2009-02-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

momsies.

2009-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Mommy: Fann Wong so poor thing. Her future father-in-law passed away.
Me: Ymean Christopher Lee's father died??
Mommy: Yeah.
Me: How you know?
Mommy: He telephone me and tell me.
Me: WAHLOU LAME

:P I know the subject matter is a bit morbid; but that's not what the focus is on. Hope you understand!

Ms. Lam?

2009-02-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

June 08.

Me to delivery person on the other end of the phone(on bed with sister lolling around. Presence of sister induces tipsy giggles in me) : Hello? Hee.
Delivery guy: Hello.
Me: Hi.
Delivery guy: Hi.
Me: Hiiii. Hahaha.
Delivery guy (mildly amused by now): Er. After a while.
Delivery guy: Okay let me repeat your particulars. LyNdia Lam,
Me (thinking, ah well. So I'll be Lyndia for a day): Yeah.
Delivery guy: BLK 29..(rest of address)
Me: Mm.
Delivery guy: Your number is 913 -
Me: HOW YOU KNOW MY NUMBER??

After I said it I realized how stupid it sounded and started laughing.

Delivery guy: Er. Because.. er.
Me: Kk yeah okay no need to explain.

liam liam.

2009-02-12T08:32:00.001-08:00

Jan, 08

Me: I can't believe I'm having an imaginary brother at my age.
Raine: Now then you know you're siao.
Lew: It's very common what.
Me: *thinking, whoa he's on my side for once.*
Lew: It's very common in woodbridge.
Me: ...

which floor?

2009-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

From Dec 07.

And then on the way back, I had the pink umbrella over my left shoulder again, and I was walking and laughing and on the way to the lifts, that little stretch there, I was teetering to the left and laughing to my sister when she pointed with both her eyes and fingers and I noticed that my open umbrella which I was using Under the shelter, was poking into the personal space of some guy.

Me: Oh! Sorry! Sorry!

And he just waved me off and walked gingerly around my umbrella.

He waited for us for a while in the open lift, though we were giddily laughing and walking slowly. Just as I said the next sentence, he apparently decided to stop waiting.

Me: Oh! He's waiting for us! Hahaha
Raine: I bet he lives eleventh floor.
Me (watching the numbers change as the lift went up): No! Sixth!
Me (in a half-crouch, machiam like at gambling den LOL, when the number went to six and didn't stop there) : No! Seventh!
Me (when it went past seven): Eight!

And of course. It went to eleventh.

We collapsed into laughter - somehow it seemed absurdly funny. And you might be wondering what my brother was doing all the time we were laughing....

I'm not sure either.

HAHAHA.

daddee

2009-02-12T08:04:00.000-08:00

The other candidate for laughs is Mr. Lam Sow How.

HAHAHA. Today we went to Causeway Point, and my father got so excited over this shoe sale at Samuel and Kevin's. Yeah. SAMUEL AND KEVIN'S. He kept asking me, Eh, 'dia, which one nicer huh. And I told him all were nice. Lol. Such a help, eh.

And he squatted there looking for his size, at THE ENTRANCE OF THE SHOP, and my mother just looked at me and said half-jokingly, 'I don't know this man', and walked to look for matching shirts from Royal Sporting House for the family. As if her actions are any less crazy than my dad's. LOL. My father was so funny he kept asking this poor young-punk-looking salesman ridiculous questions about the shoes.

You see, his dad is a really-meticulous tailor. So everything my dad buys that's to be worn he makes sure he gets all the answers he wants from the salesman/woman. He tried different pairs of shoes, in different sizes; he must've tried all the shoes there, while I stood by giggling to myself and he kept asking, 'What's so funny?'

And the climax was when he got so excited that he toppled over half the stock of shoes so that they spilled out onto the floor outside the shop, and I was already laughing hard enough at that, when a random shopper came by and asked him,

'Do you have size 28?'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I stood there and laughed so loudly LOL.

floor.

2009-02-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sept 07.

Y'see. I've been giving my brother a terrible time because he never asks people 'Which floor?' or if he does he says it so softly it's negligible. So when a malay boy came into our lift I gave him a pointed look. He caught it, turned to the Malay boy and said loudly,

'WHAT FLOOR?'

The Malay boy pressed the button himself.

My brother gave me a maligned look. I gave him a reassuring nod, and said,

'Not bad. But it's 'which' floor, not 'what' floor.' (And all this conversation went on with the boy still in the lift with us.)

My dad quipped, 'When floor?'

I caught the giggliness and went, 'How floor?'

And my dad, sister and I said together, 'WHY FLOOR?' HAHAHAHAHA we laughed so loud.

The boy must've been freaked out. But I gave him a brilliant over-the-shoulder smile and chirpy 'thank you!' (for holding the door for us) when we left, so it couldn't have been That bad. LOL. Yeah. Like I said before, my brother doesn't join us in laughing when it comes to the truly laughable.

Ah well. That's Lewis for you.

lews

2009-02-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

August, 07

I was talking to my sister while I packed each book in precise order. We started talking about old times. About catching in primary school and how we'd 'twist' to be safe. And I told her how I'd always run slowly so I'd get caught. Even back then I was so rational-headed. I always thought playing catching was a waste of time, cos you'd get caught sooner or later, so I'd make sure I got caught Sooner. I've no idea why I still played it. Peer pressure must be. And she told me, 'Oh, I'd run run run then suddenly disappear.' And I asked, 'Disappear go where?' 'Disappear to the canteen lor.'

Haha. Even then she was such... a foodie. Anyway. I was doing stupid stuff again today. My monthly weird-burst-into-tears mood came early this month. I was so BORED of staying at home studying. And I kinda missed my brother. You do know that he went for primary 4 camp, don't you. Yes, it's primary 4 now. Pretty soon you'll be barely out of the womb before you're trundled away to such torture camps. When he dropped out of the car on Monday morning my sister and I called out to him, 'Don't break their stuff ah!' And he called back, 'Make sure you don't kill any of my hamsters ah!' He'd left me in charge of his dozens (literally) of hamsters.

He didn't leave without a trace though. On Saturday morning we were slacking around the house when suddenly we heard a ball bounce (he'd been playing football Again) and something shatter. My mother gasped and I stood up and gave him a standing ovation. He'd broken one of my dad's many masks. We all knew it'd happen sooner or later. Lol. Oh, my mother broke something too. She broke the little red chair on Sunday. Squirmed in her seat and the poor thing disintegrated. I took one bit and held it up for all to see with an awe-struck face.

My brother is classic. On Sunday evening, Guo Liang came down with hyper-tension. We were all very frightened and worried, and the ambulance came and all. And guess what Mr Lewis Lam peng peng (my dad likes to say that. It's some cantonese thing) was doing? He was tottering about the house weaving in and out of the ambulance men trying to pack his bag for the camp. He kept asking,

'How many underwear ah?'

'You going for three days, four pairs la!'

'No, three enough.'

'Are you mad! So stinko!'

'You got towel?' 'Go ask daddy.'

'I don't have insect repellent!' 'You don't Need to have everything in the list!'

'But it says here - "insect repellent","

'I TOLD you you don't need to have everything in the list!'

'Give me 5 dollars,' My mother passed him three 2 dollar notes. 'Cannot! Must be - there - (jabbed at list) 5 dollars!'

'One extra dollar nevermind one!'

And I must say. It was a momentous occasion last week. Because my brother told me the first funny joke ever. It's about this red indian chief, whose tribe requires him to predict the weather correctly to maintain his position. He was a new chief, assuming the role his deceased father had filled before, and so was nervy and all that. So he went to call a weather forecaster to ask for the weather. He said it'd be rainy and cold. So the chief went to the village and told his people to gather twigs and branches to build a fire. So they did. The next day the chief went to call the forecaster again, and he said yes, it'd be rainy and cold. So the chief went to the village and told his people to gather more twigs and branches. The next day, the chief repeated the same thing. Finally one day the chief asked the forecaster, 'Are you sure it'll be rainy and cold?' And the forecaster said, 'Yes, of course!' 'How do you know for sure?' 'Well, there is a big pile of twigs and branches outside the village!'

Haha. Okay. Enough diversion. Back to econs. :) I hope my little brother is doing okay in the camp - his first time away from home! I understand your homesickness, boy! Like wanna die right! Don't worry. You'll be coming back tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow..

dinner.

2009-02-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

July 07.

My family has like the funniest dinners. Today my parents bought back those zhi char stuff like hor fun mifen fried rice and san meen (cantonese for that crispy noodle) that we all share. We had loadsa fun. My sister as always the big 'da xiao jie' who has feet of gold - which means she hardly moves she attempts to get people to do that for her, but it doesn't really work against My dad, does it? - was trying her luck.

'Dad can you take some rice for me,' Daddy tried to take it but somehow was frustrated by the mess cos yknow it is chaos when Lams eat.

'Aiya take yourself la!'
'Tsk...so far away...'
'So far away then take bus go la!'

I almost choked on my mifen. They like to do that to me. They make me laugh the most when I'm eating. Like - Give-it-a-try! See-who-can-choke-Lydia-red-during-dinner-contest!
And after that I noticed that the pork in the hor fun and mifen was superslim so I said,

'Mom, the pork they use is very lean, isn't it?'
And my mother. I tell you my mother. She seldom makes lame jokes, but I tell you when she does, it's just killer.

'Yeah very lean. Lean until lean on the wall.' I was like. Pause. Blink. Stare at sister. Then burst into laughter. This time it was my sister who almost choked on her mifen.

And after that, this conversation ensued between my sister and my father. (My brother, as you might have noticed, is the only one who shows the example of a very rare, very quiet Lam. But that's only cos he's busy stuffing his cheeks. Which explains the cellulite on his tum. No serious he Has cellulite, okay! I think it's a Primary 4 thing. My sister and I were fattest in Primary 4.)

So anyways. My father was attempting to eat the fried rice. And my sister, of course, must butt in and say she wants it, too.

'Dad can y' give me the last bit of the fried rice.'

Dad stared at her.

'Why don't you eat the hor fun?' My mom said to her.
'Tsk. I don't like hor fun. I've never liked hor fun. I hate hor fun. I don't like hor fun. I've never liked it, and I never will like it!' My sister whined.
Silence.
'Let me try the hor fun,' she chirped brightly.

After which she ate Both the hor fun, And the fried rice.

it's raine-ing

2009-02-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

My sister's post in September 07. Pardon the hideous English. Not my style, but hey. To each her own.

last night, or rather this morning
I needed to go toilet so I went.
And I wanted to use water, so I touched the water hose.
and the head flew out.
and the strong water gushed out at me, my clothes grew wet.
and no matter how hard I tried, I could not put the head back on.
I felt so irritated I just wanted to slap the hose and say, "OFF U PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
Btw, it was as 1.38 a.m. I decided to leave it on the floor and went to my dad's room and said 'daddy the hose head fly off dunno why.' then as usual, he went, ah luhhh can sleep dowan sleep come find trouble. so since i was all wet i went to my room to change then my dad said bring the pail LAAAA then i ran back to the service balcony. then he said NVM LAAA and i went back to my room.

then morning went compass with my sis and bro, whre my savings went down the drain.
then my sis went and bought onli one pack of onion rings and three large packs of fries.
sometimes i duno what she thinking also. then my bro went and dropped the burgers and pushed some fries off the tray.

oh well there goes another dumb lewis thingy.

F post

2009-02-11T19:33:00.000-08:00

June 07

Anyway lemme tell you the classic F joke. It's like seriously classic. It stars Yik Kwang, our beloved chairman, (one of 'em, at least) whom we call Yi Ge Guang, Jia Hao the rubbisher, Mr Chong Boon our beloved very-blur chinese teacher in sec 2, and me of course. :P And the rest of the class! What happened was this.

Y'see in cheena schools like Nan Chiau, whenever the teacher comes in the chairman must shout '起立，行礼'. At '起立', which means stand up, to my limited knowledge lol, the class would stand up, and at '行礼', which means salute, we would bow to the teacher in greeting. Yi Ge Guang did this without fail. We followed orders without fail.

That day, we were having recess, or something, anyway we were waiting for Mr Chong Boon to come to our classroom. Suddenly someone realised that we were supposed to have 听写 that day. (听写 pronounced ting xie, is chinese spelling) Nobody had remembered. So we all 'chuan tong' together to kind of pull one over Mr Chong Boon and make him forget that we had 听写. He forgot most of the time, anyways. Lol. So we were telling everyone to shush and not make a sound about 听写. I went around in my noisy way telling Quek Jia Hao (I remember I told him cos I told Yi Ge Guang next) 'Don't talk about 听写 ah!' And I kept cho-choing Yi Ge Guang who for some reason was very flustered that day.

Finally Mr Chong Boon came in in his usual way and I whispered a final, 'Remember ah! Don't mention 听写 ah!' to Yi Ge Guang, and scuttled back to my seat. Everyone kept quiet, and Yi Ge Guang shouted, '起立!' But instead of '行礼' he completed the command with, '听写!' Everyone groaned, and I started laughing my head off. Mr Chong Boon went, in chinese, 'Oh!!! Today got 听写 orh!!! Oh yeah!!!' And everyone was so upset with Yi Ge Guang. Hahahaha. Of course we weren't Really upset. But it's like the class joke. Superfunny.

The other joke's not really a class joke. But it occurred much due to the same reason - me talking too much and being too loh-soh.

One day Deborah and Yvonne came to my house to do a project. After that we were hungry, so we decided to order McDonald's. I remember we were so excited, because the delivery service had just started sometime round the week before. Yvonne and Deborah kept insisting that I should call, because 'your English is better'. Like as if that factors in in a delivery-call la, okay. Y'must remember that we were still very-much young tittering girls. So I did. We used the phone in my mom's room. The black one. The girls sat on the bed listening to me while I dialled the number. Dialled thrice getting the wrong number, once getting the number of the non-emergency hospice. Lol. Finally I got the right one.

'Hello?' I stuttered.
'Hello, welcome to McDonald's delivery service may I have your contact number?'
'Er... 688152.. what's my number ah?'
I turned to Yvonne who was giggling for no reason. 'Oh yeah erm **.'
'Okay.. May I know who I'm speaking to?'
'Lydia.'
'Miss Lydia. May I have your address?'
'Erm. BLK ***C, Compassvale Street..Er...omgosh, von, I forgot my postal code,'

I turned to Yvonne and caught her infectious giggle. Deborah was giggling too. Anyway finally I managed to get my information through, and began ordering for real. Here's where the real trouble was.

'I'd like a... what you want, von?' At which Yvonne spent like ten minutes thinking and finally deciding. The same occurred with Deborah. And they were devastatingly picky about things like chili etc. Finally, after I was done giving my orders, the lady said, 'Would you like to buy $3 worth more? Because now it's at $22, and if you buy $3 more you don't have to pay the $2 delivery surcharge.' I thought about it.

'Okay I tell y'what I call you back. Okay. Thanks. Bye.' So I hung up and discussed with Yvonne and Deborah for like ten minutes, over the very important issue of what to buy for $3. Finally we decided. I called back, and after listening to the on-hold jingle for about fifteen minutes and re-ordering all that crap plus the extra $3 Yvonne, the ever-mathematical freak, went, 'Actually bo hua (not worth-it) leh. You don't save any money either. Wait wait Lydia you hang up.' I

was so exasperated by then, but numb with laughter too. I hung up again with a sigh, and waited while Yvonne and Deborah worked out the mathematical wonderings of a McDonald's delivery, with a pencil and paper. Finally they'd decided. They pushed me to the phone.

'I'm not gonna order anymore!' I cried, in indignant protest. 'I sound so stupid! Keep calling!' 'But but!' They cried back. We laughed and tussled and finally got Deborah to the phone. Before she dialled the number (which she got wrong the first time again) I kept reminding her, 'Remember ah! You're 'Lydia' k! Cos they keep the details under the name 'Lydia'! Remember! You're 'LYDIA'.'

Deborah by then, was as flustered with all the details, just as Yi Ge Guang had been with the 听写 nonsense, that when she picked up the phone and got a McDonald person-thingy on the other end, went,

'Hello? Can I speak to Lydia?'

HAHAHAHAHA we LAUGHED SO LOUD began rolling on the bed in weak laughter that Deborah had to hang up and finish laughing before she called back. Omgosh that was seriously the funniest thing. Omgosh.

etc.

2009-02-11T19:32:00.001-08:00

A June 07 post.

1. We were watching a show where a lady took a pregnancy test and my brother said, 'That one put mouth one izzit?'

2. My dad was trying to teach my brother how to clear his nose cos for some reason he doesn't know how to and he showed him by pressing against one nostril and blowing hard and my brother pressed against one nostril, opened his mouth and coughed hard. Hahahaha.

3.My siblings bathed by candlelight this morning, (five candles lit and placed around the toilet bowl) because I told my dad last night that the light in the bathroom wasn't working but he didn't believe me. Not that he didn't believe me la, but he came out and he flicked the switch on and the light came on. He flicked it off again and gave me a grey 'you...' kinda look and went off. I flicked it on and there was no light. I tried several times and there was nothing. I went to his room again and he came out grumbling and flicked it on and the light came on. He left me standing there staring at the bulb in slow bewilderment. I put out my finger and flicked it on and there was still no light. In the end I brushed my teeth in the dark.

rofl.

2009-02-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

The following is taken wholesale from an old post in 2007.

So. I just gotta tell you. My family is superfunny. I'm sure you know how pathetically paranoid I am. Well it runs in the family. In my brother, at least. I wanted to buy something. School ended around twelve on friday, and I had visual arts at three thirty, and crap if I was going to rot for three hours in aj. So I went to compass point. Walked around level two not daring to go into the shop. In the end I gave up, told myself that I was inherently pathetic, and went to the basement to see if I could find my sister so she could accompany me (cos she gives me that kinda courage lol) And guess what I found what I wanted at cold storage and I'd wanted to scoot off quickly so went to the quick line and though it'd been quite a long line the cashier was swift so it came to me quite quickly but when it was my turn somehow the bar code couldn't be detected and she had to summon the manager and other people scampering around trying to find it for me.

-.- SO. Embarassing. I half-died on the spot.

My brother's no worse-off, anyway. He's been taking the bus home lately - which is like a supermiraculous feat for him cos my brother like me is terrified of the big bad world. Somehow thinks that every person and thing was made to frighten/threaten him. So he went to Burger King to buy a burger. Here's the ensuing conversation between the rather rude selling-person (forgot what you call those lol) and my brother.

'Can I help you? What would you like?'
'Cheeseburger meal.'
'Kids' meal?'
'No.'

Long silence. Selling-person stares at my brother.

'Not kid's meal then don't have.'

My brother stood there for a long time staring at her.
The selling-person sighed.

'Kids' meal?'
'Yeah.'

Hahahaha. Then he got so embarassed I bet he made that squashed face that he gets when he feels crappy but doesn't wanna show it but it's so obvious anyway.

But my sister best la! She went to buy stuff for my brother and I - and herself, of course. (wouldn't be buying if it didn't involve her eating in some way lol) Bought tons of stuff. Burgers, fries, drinks, etc....

And when she dug out her wallet she had no money.

Hahahaha. So dumb.

sweet & sour

2009-02-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

Something absurdly funny happened in May 2007. Yup that was freaking two years ago.

My dad was going to open the service...as in.. give an opening prayer etc. And my brother was sucking on a sng buay (dried prune thingy) at the drums...next to my sister and I at the piano. And cos the mikes are really good and sensitive, whatever you say is amplified even when you're like... far away. So anyway my dad was going to open in prayer and everyone was quiet heads down and all...

And my brother exclaimed, 'Raine! See I eat this sng buay so clean!!'

And he said it so loudly (in his usual loud manner really) that the mike picked it up and everyone looked up.

for the win.

2009-02-11T19:23:00.001-08:00

etcetera

2009-02-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

When talking about periods with the aunts and cousins. (all girls except for two, one of them my brother)

Lewis: When will mine come ah?

The Female for the Win.

2009-02-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Mommy's kickass quotes.

After buying $300 worth of bras.

Daddy: Wahlou spend so much on bra.
Mommy: You speed some more! Later get fine. What for give money to the government when can use the money to buy bra to wrap our breast?

All: .................................................

---------------------------

When reading aloud a song title from the back of a CD.

Mommy: The Biggest Part of Me... is my breast lor.

LOL I JUST REALIZED IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S ALL SHE EVER TALKS ABOUT ROFL.

-------------------------------

When talking about her day.

Mommy: Oh yeah, girl, tomorrow Mediacorp coming to film in our home.
Me: ....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy: ?
Me: AT OUR HOUSE???
Mommy: NO LA. AT THE OLD FOLKS' HOME I WORK AT.
Me: WAHLOU THEN SAY LA.

HAHAHHA :P

hello hello my name's dibo

2009-02-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. I know I know what you're thinking. So many blogs???

But this one I feel is really necessary, especially for those who need a cheer-me-up (yup, not pick-me-up). This blog contains all the quotes and jokes and one-liners in the Lam family, and/or the associated stuff our friends have told us. The first few posts you might've heard/read before. This works as a sort of archive for me - a laugh archive.

;)

Enjoy.